To The Stressed Soon To Be Army Wife,
My husband and I got married four days before he left for basic training. It is safe to say that we did not successfully conquer basic training separation. Our wedding wasn’t ideal, it wasn’t planned, in fact, we weren’t even dating at the time we got married. But that is a story for another day. Today’s story is about a time when so many things seemed out of my control and the stress of an unknown life laid before me like a giant, green, camouflage, abyss.
Before my other half left for basic training we had a somewhat normal schedule and life. We ran errands together and he did our laundry. I cooked food and on weekends we went out to party with our college friends. I picked out what he wore when we were going somewhere important. And I pinned haircut ideas on a board for him to show the barber. We mostly went to the gym together and everything we did was a joint decision. We were us. And no one else had influence over us.
The biggest scare of him joining the Army was how it would change our relationship. What would happen when I no longer decided his haircut? How would I spend my time if not wandering the mall to find him work clothes? Our lives were going from glamorous and laughter-filled to camouflage and dirty, and I wasn’t too keen on that.
For one, I fought hard to get his hair exactly how I wanted it, a short (but not his usual buzzed cut) style that was somewhere between grandpa’s combover and 4-year old’s front spike. Like a young business professional, or underwear model, or something like that. The point is, I worked hard for that hairstyle and the Army was about to take it away! That and a million other freedoms I had come to enjoy in my civilian life.
PSA: PUSHING BACK IS NOT THE ANSWER TO YOUR PRE-SEPARATION PROBLEMS
So I pushed back. I started getting snarky when my lovely husband said something I didn’t like. I sassed him for not taking care of me every time I asked for him to clean something up and it wasn’t done right away. My control over our relationship was about to change and the inner bitch in me grabbed tight to every last piece of it while I still could.
We yelled and fought and I felt like I was losing him before he was already gone. I felt lonely and afraid. I was scared and mad and sad all at the same time. One day I even wished he would just leave already.
Those few weeks before he left for basic were the worst of our entire relationship. I thought I needed to hold on to what was and try to keep the normalcy of life before it was taken from me. Oh boy, was I wrong.
Learning from our Basic Training Separation Failure
Military life has been the epitome of the phrase “hindsight is 20/20”. Knowing what I do now about separations, I realize that what we were going through is normal. Everyone processes separations in a different way.
While Bobby was in basic training, I spent a large chunk of my time reading anything and everything I could find about military life. Which sadly, isn’t much (hence my reason for starting this blog). Of the things I found, many talked about separations in terms of deployments. Since I knew I was years away from our first deployment, I took these tidbits of information with a grain of salt. But what I didn’t realize is that separations come in many forms, but the emotions that they come with are all the same.
Everyone has pre-separation anxieties
One day I came across an article that talked about separation anxieties. The blog post I read (and am so sad I cannot find now), described in perfect detail exactly what my husband and I went through emotionally before he left. It was so spot on I was a little bit creeped out.
The military spouse who wrote the article talked about how separations, no matter how many times you go through them, always hurt. Because you always feel pain and sadness from your partner leaving, your mind saddles up for a war the minute it realizes that you’re destined for another separation.
As the send-off date gets closer and closer, your brain begins to put up walls. Your brain begins to prepare for the separation before it’s already happened. How many people with a great sex life just can’t seem to be in the mood in the weeks before a separation?? Yup. Girlfriend, I’ve been there done that. No one wants to go down the rabbit hole of not wanting to and then feeling like you need to the night before they leave and doing it just because you think you should and then spending the next two weeks feeling guilty like you shouldn’t have let him use your body like that. Yup… been there too.
Prepare your mind, prepare for separation
The key to getting over pre-deployment relationship downfall is to understand what is happening in your mind. In preparation for separation, my mind likes to start functioning as if my husband is already gone. Maybe in some twisted way my brain thinks that it will hurt less if I’ve already pushed him mentally away before he physically leaves?
Now that I know how I tend to get emotionally distant before separations I can see the signs and fix them before they have started. It is good to be prepared for separation. But physically prepared (such as creating an emergency plan and checking over paperwork issues) and mentally prepared (aka emotionally pulling back) are two different things. You can try to pull away all you want but it will never, and I mean never, make a separation any easier. If anything it makes it harder because you spend the first few weeks feeling sorry for the fact that you’ve spent the last few weeks fighting instead of spending quality time together.
Speaking of quality time…
Of the many things I read during those lonely basic training months, Gary Chaplin’s The Five Love Languages Military Edition was the most enlightening and life-changing for both my husband and I. This book was so good, I mailed him a copy to read while he was away at training. Which I guess was a good move because he read it and passed it along to most of his platoon mates who read it too. Then they all sat around and discussed their relationships and love languages… not that they would ever admit it today. So, to the wives of all those guys, you’re welcome.
In The Five Love Languages, Chaplin describes what he believes to be the basics of how people feel and give love. The idea is that if someone loves you in a way that is not your love language, you do not get anything out of their love. If you can adjust your thinking to be able to love your partner in the way they need to be loved, the relationship will be better for it.
The key to our success in navigating pre-separation issues is planning your relationship during separation.
The best thing that has ever happened to our marriage is my husband going to basic training. We learned so much about ourselves and each other, we learned how to support from afar and most of all we learned how to take advantage of the time we did have.
separations and Love Languages
After reading Chaplin’s book my husband and I determined that my love languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service. Both relatively hard things to do while separated. So why did our relationship flourish during basic training? Because we found a system that managed to include tons of quality time and acts of service for me and loads of words of affirmation for him.
Words of affirmation are easy when your only form of communication is letter writing. But that’s the thing about love languages. I wrote to my husband every day when he was at basic training, literally every single day. It was nuts. But it helped me pass the time and boy did I use words to affirm him. Because I can more easily write “you’re doing great” than I can walk around saying it, my encouragement and pride were actually conveyed to him. In turn, he felt loved by me and was more able to give love back to me in the way I needed it.
We spent hours of quality time together when my husband was away at basic training. Every time he took the time to write me a letter instead of hanging out with his friends or getting a few extra minutes of sleep, I felt the quality time that he gave me. Every envelope I opened I felt renewed with love that he would take the time to write to me so often when few other husbands did.
Acts of Service and Separation
While acts of service are a bit harder to complete from miles away, it’s not impossible. At times, he told me to take his hard-earned money and pay for something I wouldn’t normally buy. Or experiences that I wouldn’t allow myself the luxury of having. While he couldn’t do my laundry anymore, he made sure I had two weeks worth of workout clothes before he left. This way I could get away with doing laundry a mere 8 times before I moved to be with him. If your love language is acts of service, it will take some creativity from both you and your partner to be sure you are fulfilled when they are gone.
Talk is cheap, and well worth it
By understanding what we each need while we are separated, my husband and I can easily talk about what our plan will be to keep our relationship strong before and during our time apart.
If you’re stuck in the middle of a pre-basic training downward spiral, I’m here to tell you that it’s going to be okay. Basic training is just the first time of many that you will be separated. I think of it like this:
They are going away to learn to be a soldier and you are being tugged along for a ride that will teach you how to be an Army wife.
While none of us may ever get it completely right, the more separations and reunions you have, the better you get at navigating the emotions that come with them.
We were awful and horrible to each other before basic training. I would venture to say that we royally f*d up our first separation. And that is OKAY. We learned so much from the experience and it made us a stronger couple in the long run.
So if you’re going through those times try to remember this:
This too shall pass
It seems like the world is ending and your relationship is falling apart and you’re questioning if you’re really cut out for this military lifestyle after all. I know, I’ve thought those exact things before. Remember that even if you are on your last day before separation and you don’t have time to talk it all out, you can tell your brain to tear down those walls and force yourself to let your spouse in. It will be okay and you will survive this separation. This too shall pass.
Get Prepared Early
If you’re not already in the thick of separation anxiety, try to have these conversions early. Decided what you each need (and can reasonably give) from one another and set expectations for how your relationship will thrive while you’re apart.
If you’re preparing for basic training and don’t know where to turn, check out this post: 11 Things To Do Before Basic Training
Emotions Are not the enemy
Often times we think as spouses that we need to hold in our emotions before separations. If our soldiers see us cry, they might hate themselves for leaving. We don’t want to be a burden and we surely don’t want to make it harder for them to leave. But the truth is that covering up your emotions and not shedding that tear or two only adds to the walls your brain is trying to build. By letting your emotions show, your partner can help you work through them and fix your issues before they leave. Waiting to process your emotions when you’re on your own is a recipe for failure when it comes to conquering separations.
Put a Positive Spin on Pre-separation
Sometimes the weeks leading up to separations can feel clouded with negativity. You’re counting down the days until they leave with fear and resentment in your chest. Pushing away those emotions and ignoring your quickly approaching reality can seem like the only way to survive. Instead of looking at how few days until they leave, think of how much quality time you can spend with them before they go. Can you squeeze in time for dinner at your favorite restaurant and an at-home massage? Maybe you just need a relaxing night in front of the TV. By creating positive experiences surrounding pre-separation, you start your time apart on the right foot.
Got a pre-deployment to-do list a mile long? I find that clearing my scheduling and tagging along for packing list shopping trips and the seemingly daily trip to the military supply store can be a great way to spend quality time with your spouse before they leave. Just enjoy the ride and they will likely enjoy the support of having a friend to talk to while getting their life together.
Summary: Conquering basic training separation
Whether you are six months away from a year-long deployment or three days away from basic training, I hope you find some solace in knowing that you are not the only one. Separations are hard and emotions are strung high. Everyone is preparing for hurt and heartache and no one wants to be gone for so long.
But this separation, whatever it may be, will also pass. You will be reunited on the other side and the light at the end of the tunnel will grow closer each day. You have the strength inside of you to conquer this separation and the power to use it to make your relationship even stronger.
So to the stressed-out wife who is awaiting basic training, I say to you, this is your training. Your practice. The first of many times and this is not the time to get it right. This is the time to figure out who you are in your military relationship. This is the time to be wrong, the time to cry, the time to say what you feel. And most importantly, this is the time to grow closer.
From someone who has been in your shoes, you’re doing your best and for that I am proud.